Enabling is defined as, “giving (someone or something) the authority or means to do something.” According to the American Psychological Association, it can refer to patterns within close relationships that support any harmful or problematic behavior and make it easier for that behavior to continue. In essence, when discussing enabling in substance use disorder, it refers to a loved one’s behavior that prevents the individual suffering from substance use disorder from experiencing their own natural consequences.
So what’s so wrong with this one word used by millions? A quick google search for “how to stop enabling” and you will get a list a mile long of willing participants telling you all the ways you are messing up and how you need to live your life instead. Of course these sites all come with conflicting advice. You should give them money for groceries, no money, you should only take them to get groceries yourself, wait no, you should never buy them anything, even food! Talk about overwhelming.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the phrase “ You will love them to death” said to desperate loved ones trying to navigate substance dependency. As if the pain of watching your loved one slowly drift away from you and become a different person entirely isn’t enough to bear. I often see the words reflected to parents whose teenagers and young adults are in the throes of using. Children, still young, not fully developed, children that have come so close to death time and time again and you’re telling their parents not to enable. The hypocrisy can only be understood by those who have lived in those shoes. Trust me, they blame themselves enough already without society telling them it’s their fault.
Shame.Guilt.Blame.Fear. All of these words are laced into the use of the word enabling. Words that never got anyone closer to healing and acceptance. Wives, husbands, parents, and friends are blamed for being too loving and supportive. Believe me when I say, I have yet to meet a loved one who gave consent for the substance use disorder. No one signs up for more pain, more loss, and more shame. All truly doing the best they can in what can often feel like an impossible situation.
Using the word enabling also adds to the stigma of substance use disorder. Unlike a cancer diagnosis, where families are supported with casseroles and Go Fund Me pages, a substance use diagnosis is met with questions of whose to blame and disapproval. The word enabling only makes it more difficult for loved ones to reach out for help and receive the very thing they themselves need the most, to not feel so damn alone.
I hope if you are a loved one in the trenches right now reading this, you feel even a small bit seen and heard. You are not alone and you are not to blame. There are proven scientific based strategies out there that can teach you healthy boundaries and ways to cope without shame. Please don’t let the word enabling prevent you from reaching out for help and finding support, it’s out there.
